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I really hope to raise awareness about self-harm.

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[Eyeliner]

I first self-harmed when I was 11 years old. I can remember the occasion well. To be honest, I don’t think I would have thought to self-harm had I not have seen it on television. Around the time I first cut myself I remember there was a storyline on a popular TV programme about a teenage girl who self-harmed, by cutting her wrists. I think that is where I got the idea from.  I must have thought that, somehow, cutting myself would make me feel better. The first time I cut, I cut across my wrist using a pair of nail scissors, and the cut was more of a scratch. I cannot remember whether or not it made me feel better, I just remember being really secretive about what I had done. Looking back, and having a much deeper understanding of self-harm, I would say it was my way of screaming out about how I was feeling. I think I just wanted somebody to ask me "Are you OK?", but nobody did. I wasn’t OK, but I saw no other way to express how distressed I was feeling inside. Nobody ever knew that I self-harmed until 4 years later.

It is hard to believe that 10 years ago I was simply marking my body with a scratch, a scratch so small it would be gone after a matter of days, and nobody would ever know it had been there, when I think about the damage I have caused to my body over the last 9 months.

That is the sad reality; your self-harm will get worse if you don’t try to fight it. For so long I tried to fight my problem with self-harm alone, and not burden anybody else with my problems, but you don’t have to do that. Whilst it is down to you to make a firm choice to stop self-harming there will be many people who want to help you along the way. 

[Eyeliner]

It’s my fault.

I have said this to myself so many times, when I really shouldn’t have. I think when you have low self-esteem it is in your nature to feel like you are to blame for everything.  I have felt guilt for things that have happened in my past that I am not to blame for. It is hard for me to write this, let alone accept it, but I think it is an important realisation to have, that sometimes things may happen that are out of your control.

Losing control is something that really frightens me. I have been in situations in which somebody else has been in control, and free to do what they want, whilst I have been powerless. I think I have self-harmed in response to these situations, as some kind of punishment because I should have been strong enough to take control of a situation I did not want to be in.

Being taken advantage of in situations in which you were vulnerable is NOT your fault. I am forever trying to come to terms with that, and the fact that sometimes things happen that are out of your control. 

[Eyeliner]

People who are uneducated about self-harm, or who just don't understand, quite often expect you to live up to the stereotype they hold about what sort of person would be a self-harmer. I remember when I was at school and most peoples' belief was that only people who dressed a certain way would self-harm. I think they  used to refer to these types of people as 'emos'. A label which defined such individuals' dress sense and state of mind. 

Even now people still make jokey comments like 'Oh, why don't I just go and slit my wrists now?!' when they are feeling upset. I used to find these comments really hard to hear, and it does still upset me that people know so little about self-harm but yet can be so judgemental. I have grown to accept that some people simply will never understand what makes people self-harm, and who self-harms and that we don't all fit this ridiculous stereotype. 

Self- harm is something that can affect males and females of all ages from all different backgrounds. 

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The amount of time that has passed since I last cut myself. It has not been easy. I have had the urge to cut quite a few times in the past four weeks, but I have managed to fight it, which I am really proud of. Working on the blog has definitely helped me keep myself safe from cutting.
No, covering your body in paint, tippex, permanent marker (or whatever else you can find!) is not the same as sinking a razor blade through your skin, but as far as I'm concerned, being creative with my body in ways that doesn't involve any blood, trips to hospital, bandages or scars is a much better option.

[Acrylic Paint]

How could you still want me?
This is a question I ask myself all the time.
Whilst I know that it is important to love yourself, I also want to be loved by others. I so desperately want to find someone who loves me and wants to spend the rest of their life with me, and me with them.
Appearances are not everything, but the idea of being intimate with somebody really scares me. What on earth would they think when they saw the scars all over my body?!
As I have been told by many people many times, somebody that loves you for who you are will not be phased by your scars and although I completely believe this, it doesn't stop me being afraid of what people might think of my scars.

Your scars do not define you, but they are a part of you that need to be accepted. The right person will understand that.

[Tippex]

The Importance of Self-Belief

Having your heartbroken can massively knock your confidence, and can make you doubt yourself. When this has happened to me I have felt rejected, unloved, worthless, insignificant and have wondered why I am not good enough. 
Doubting myself  is something I am very good at.
Whenever something negative is said about me, I cling on to it. It wouldn't be so bad if I could cling on to the positives too, but they seem to go in one ear and out the other!
I wish had more belief in myself to be able to ignore some negative comments and say to myself, 'You might think this about me, but I know that that's not the case, so I am not going to let your opinion bother me'. Unfortunately when you have low self-esteem that is pretty hard to do. I care so much about what people think about me. 


I have let peoples' comments hurt me, and I have let people let me hurt myself. Most of the scars on my body I associate with a memory, an event, or with a negative comment that somebody once made to me that I clung on to.
I have allowed peoples' opinions of me get me down to the point that I have felt the need to cut myself. 
I really want that to change.


It is so important to belief in yourself.
I am in the process of learning how to do that...