[Eyeliner]
It’s my fault.
I have said this to myself so many times, when I really shouldn’t have. I think when you have low self-esteem it is in your nature to feel like you are to blame for everything. I have felt guilt for things that have happened in my past that I am not to blame for. It is hard for me to write this, let alone accept it, but I think it is an important realisation to have, that sometimes things may happen that are out of your control.
Losing control is something that really frightens me. I have been in situations in which somebody else has been in control, and free to do what they want, whilst I have been powerless. I think I have self-harmed in response to these situations, as some kind of punishment because I should have been strong enough to take control of a situation I did not want to be in.
Being taken advantage of in situations in which you were vulnerable is NOT your fault. I am forever trying to come to terms with that, and the fact that sometimes things happen that are out of your control.
What about the scars? I have a LOT of scars all over my arms; I'm branded, as it were.
ReplyDeleteI feel neither guilty nor ashamed, but I can never fit into the normal crowd again. Doesn't that concern/worry you at all? As such I have limited social skills, and the scars don't really do much to boost you self confidence - or your self esteem, for that matter.
Your scars are a part of you. There are there now, you cannot take them away. It is really difficult, but you have to learn to accept your scars otherwise you will continue to isolate yourself, and that will do nothing for your self-esteem.
ReplyDeleteFor a long time I kept my self-harm a secret from my friends and it made me feel so alone. Like I was living a different life. Now my friends know they don't view me any differently, they just want to be there to support me.
You needn't feel branded. Talk to your friends, they may not be as judging as you might think.