[Nail varnish]
There is nothing glamorous about self-harm. I find it so difficult to find things to wear when I go out with my friends, things that are appropriate for a night out, but things that cover my scars. I am scared that this is going to get so much harder as it starts to get warmer. Come summer I am going to really struggle to dress in a way that covers my scars but doesn’t draw attention to the fact that I am trying to hide something. Even when I am around people who know about my self-harm and my scars, I do not want to parade around with them on show.
I often feel when I do go out, dressed like any other young woman I know, I am putting on a mask. Putting on a glamorous façade that conceals the sadness and pain I feel when I see my scars. Whilst it feels great to cover up my scars, pretend like they don't exist, and carry on like everybody else, I am so afraid of what people might think when the cover of glamour has gone and what's left is the reality of the damage I have caused to my body.
Love your photographs and the whole idea behind this. Hope it is helping.
ReplyDeleteQuestion - do you think you can self harm and not be deeply depressed? And does treatment for depression help to alleviate the feelings which lead to self harm in any way?
First of all I would like to thank you for your question, and your compliments regarding the blog. Yes, it has been extremely helpful and has played a really large part in the progress I have made in many aspects of my life.
DeleteWith regards to your question…
I do not believe that only people with depression self-harm. For me, self-harm is a way of expressing how I feel. Sometimes that might be sadness, feeling overwhelmed, confused. Sometimes that might be frustration, anger. Granted, I don’t self-harm when I am feeling happy and positive, but given that individuals who are not depressed experience the same negative emotions as those who are, self-harm is an issue that can affect anyone. It is quite possible that when you are suffering from depression you are more likely to self-harm (I would say this is true of myself) because you are less able to be rational about your emotions because of your frame of mind. When my mood is low I am less able to talk myself out of self-harming, or convince myself that it is a bad idea, however, when I am in a more positive frame of mind I think about all the reasons why I should NOT self-harm and am less likely to do it. Treatment for depression, in the form of anti-depressants, has the potential to reduce an individual’s urges to self-harm, in that anti-depressants take the edge off what you are feeling. They make those negative emotions a little bit easier to cope with which in turn will probably reduce urges to self-harm. Anti-depressants are not the simple answer though, and they do not work for everybody. Over the last 9 months I have been working with professionals and taking a cognitive behavioural approach which is about changing the way you think. I still have a way to go but I have found CBT to be exceedingly helpful and I would strongly recommend it. Not just people who self-harm have distorted thinking patterns. I think it is important to remember that. I think that the skills you develop from CBT can be of great use to everybody. I hope this helps.
I find it so interesting that you don't find self harm glamorous. I have no idea why, but I love the whole idea. That's why it's been so hard for me to stop. I love my scars because they are battle scars for what I've been through. they 'prove' that I have been through hell. It's so weird. I love them. And I wanted to know if you ever felt this way and if you think it's normal.
ReplyDelete(I realized after a while, though, that the real battle is NOT self harming, so in a sense the LACK of scars prove that there was a battle, and that the battle was one. Just saying.)
Also, I loved this post especially. The contrast was INSANE. you have heck of a lot of talent... you should totally get discovered or something!!!
Keep it up
xxxx
Thank you so much for your comments and compliments. It is really interesting to hear how other people feel about their scars. I can definitely relate to some of what you have said. The way I feel about my own scars is quite complicated. My more recent, prominent scars make me feel sad and restricted but, like you, I view my older scars that have faded with time as battle scars. I don't feel pain when I look at them because they remind me of everything that I have overcome and make me feel proud that I got through it. So no, I don't think it is abnormal to feel that way about your scars, and I think acceptance is extremely important for recovery, however, I would say that feeling that way about self harm in general could be problematic if, as you said, it has made it more difficult for you to stop. As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter what behaviours are 'normal'or not, so long as they are not unhealthy. Accept your scars and don't be ashamed of them, but do also keep in mind that self harm is not a healthy behaviour.
DeleteWishing you all the best!! xxx