In my experience, in order to recover from
mental illness you have to really want to…
I
have suffered from anorexia, depression and emotionally unstable personality disorder,
and self-injury and other forms of self-harm has been a product of these
conditions. I have had hours and hours of therapy, and as a teenager I spent over a year of my life in and out of an inpatient specialized eating disorders unit where
at times I had to be supervised 24 hours a day. My admission to this particular
unit saved my life, and was a crucial part of my recovery from anorexia; however,
the real recovery happened when I made a firm decision that I wanted my life
back and I wanted to get better. After being discharged from the unit I would
be back every time my weight dropped below my target weight and I ended up
being re-admitted twice. After being discharged for the third time it wasn’t
long until my weight dropped quite significantly but, surprisingly, my local
mental health services decided not to have me admitted again. I was shocked.
Not that I wanted to go back to the unit, but after so long that was what I knew,
and that is what I had expected would happen. When it didn’t I was thrown in at
the deep end and was forced to take control of my anorexia. I could either let
it destroy me or I could try my best to fight it. This was, without a doubt,
one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do, but I did it. I believe
that I was successful because I developed my own ways of coping and living with
my illness. I had to be in control of my actions. I was no longer in a hospital
where the control was completely taken away from me and this proved to be
beneficial. I am not suggesting that spending time in a specialized hospital in
unhelpful because it can be extremely helpful and sometimes it is absolutely
necessary…as I said, it saved my life. There have certainly been times over the
past year when I have been struggling so much with depression and self-harm
(both drinking and cutting) that I have desperately wanted somebody to say to
me ‘Right, that’s it, we’re going to have to take you away and take control now’.
That has not happened and I don’t believe that it will happen (adult mental health
services are VERY different to child and adolescent services) so again, it has
been down to me to keep myself safe. That is not to say I have been suffering
alone or without support, but at the end of the day it is down to ME to keep
myself safe and it is down to ME to make the necessary changes in order to get
better.
Unfortunately, I know how difficult it can be, when your mood is low and you are suffering from depression, to find the energy and enough of a reason to want to get better, but don't give up, recovery IS possible if you want it enough.
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